I still miss you...

It's been awhile since I wrote about you.

It isn't because you aren't on my mind.  It isn't because I have forgotten you.

They say "time heals all wounds".  It's partly true.   I wouldn't call myself healed.  I'd call myself... mended.  I make it through the days.  I can think of you without that painful feeling that takes my breath.

It DOES get easier.   When something bad happens to you, that's what everyone tells you.  At the moment, it pisses you off.  Because you are immersed in the pain,  in the grief.  You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  You can't see the better days.  You can only feel the blinding pain, the bright, searing loss.

Eventually though, the pain settles into a dull ache in the back of your heart.  This is where I am now.  I can talk about  you.  I even tell stories about you, even about things that happened at the end of your life.  I can do these things without shedding a tear.  I just get a little knot in my stomach.  A little ball of pain that surfaces when I think about you.

I still have my moments. At a swim meet, I saw a mother and daughter interaction that made me cry.  I had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom.

There is also this video circulating on facebook called "the things we still ask our mother's" or something like that.  Yeah,  that made me cry thinking about how much I used to call you and how I depended on you for advice about... well... everything.

So, I am just writing to tell you I'm ok.  I survived losing you.  I miss you everyday, especially today when the rest of the family is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner.
But, I am not the emotional wreck I was a year ago.

But don't be surprised if I still have a few moments crying in the bathroom stall.