The next step....

You have all followed me through this journey of losing my mom.  You have read my blog, my feelings, raw emotions typed while tears are streaming down my face.  Last year was the worst year of my life, no denying it.

But it has been 14 months now.  And even though I miss her desperately, the pain isn't as strong.  It doesn't take my breathe away, it just gives me a sick feeling in my stomach and a loneliness in my heart.  I am surrounded by people I love, but she was the one person I talked to daily, about everything and nothing, all at the same time.

So... where do we go from here?  Is the story over?

Now begins the next step- and I share this only because I think there are others who are as scared as I am and want to have this done- genetic testing.  My mother's breast cancer was swift and short and deadly.  She had what is called Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  It is basically the queen of all breast cancers.  It doesn't form a tumor, so the mammograms and self-checks my mom did were in vain.  This cancer spreads through the tissue.  Because of this, it is very hard to diagnose.  It is rarely found before it is stage 3, my mom's was stage 4.  She didn't have a clue that cancer was destroying her until it was already in her lymph-nodes.

So, it's the scariest breast cancer.  It makes me feel like there isn't anything I can do to prevent it.  I've given up artificial sweetener.  I've given up real sugar.  Trying to eat only real foods.  I have gotten back into the gym.  Trying to reduce every risk factor I have.

Thanks to a sweet friend who sent one of her friends my info, I am going to be taking it a step farther.  I have made an appointment for genetic counseling.  I am (hopefully) going to find out if I have the gene that causes breast cancer.

I am terrified.  Sick to my stomach, can't think about it without crying, terrified.

Why am I doing this?  Because my mother died at 49.  FORTY NINE!  That is only 16 years older than I am right now.  Drew would barely be 20 if I died that young.  The thought of leaving my babies.... I can't handle it.

And if it turn out I have the gene, there are steps I can take.  Steps that I will take to try to prevent this horrible disease from taking me from my family.  So I ask you to pray for me, to keep me calm until my appt (AUGUST, ugh!), and to pray for the results.

And I'll let you know.