One of my favorite things is a house full of family. I complain sometimes, about the work to clean up, and cook and then clean up again, but I'm just all talk. I love to have the people in my life over, talking, eating and just enjoying each other.
This is the first dinner I have hosted since my mother died. It's odd to see how everything just goes on without her. How everyone comes over and it's just the same as it always has been. Only nothing is the same.
There are some additions to our group now. My brother has a newborn baby. A sweet smelling little guy that falls asleep every time I touch him. My sister's boyfriend came along, with his 6 year old daughter. She jumped right in and had no problems running around and sword fighting with a bunch of rowdy boys.
We had a great time. But I saw her ghost in ever corner. On the couch, in the spot she sat in on her last ever Sunday dinner. At the kitchen table, eating her tacos all crunched up and with a fork. Leaning against the kitchen counter and chatting with me while I cooked. Playing with the boys.
I wonder if anyone besides me and my sister thought about her tonight. Thought about how she should have been laughing at the extreme amount of noise that the 4 big kids were making. Thought about how she should have been fighting for a turn to hold the baby. Thought about the fact that a very important part of our family is gone.
It's hard to feel like she is starting to be forgotten. I feel like the world should still be mourning. That we shouldn't be able to have a good time without her. That we should be miserable and sad. Which is ridiculous. We have to move on. We have to enjoy the good things that are happening in our lives. New family. New babies. Making sure that we continue to get together as a family. Watching kids grow. Watching each other grow. And learning to get by without her, one Sunday dinner at a time.
Wife, boy-mom, restaurant manager. Life is insane, and I kinda like it :-)
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Three months
My mom has been gone for three months. Three months without her and I find myself crying less. I think about her everyday, but I don't cry everyday anymore.
But today is three months. And Drew plays this game where he pretends to be different family members, "I mommy" "I daddy". Today it was "I Gammy". So the day started and she was heavy on my mind. But I was still ok.
And then a friend/coworker came in to eat with her family. Her sweet baby boy and her mother were there. And I looked over, saw that woman snuggling her sweet baby grandson and I lost it. Lost it because I will never see my mom snuggle her sweet baby grandsons again. It just hit me suddenly. I spent the next hour or so crying in the bathroom or trying not to cry in the dining room.
Several friends have told me to cry when I need to. I try so hard to stop it, because it feels like I have to or it will become this uncontrollable thing that never ends. One friend told me that her father was 80 years old and still cried tears for his mother, who died when he was very young. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse, but I guess it means I'm somewhat normal.
I can't describe what this loss feels like. Before this happened, I certainly didn't understand it. Those who have been through something like this get it. They know that feeling in the pit of the stomach, the way it felt when I looked at that grandmother and grandson and it just took my breath away. Like someone just punched me, as hard as they could, right in the gut. They understand an emotional pain causing a physical response. They understand that you can feel your heart actually break.
They also understand when I say I miss her so badly that I would even go back to the two months after her diagnosis just to get to see her and talk to her again. Which is incredibly selfish because those were the worst two months of her life. But I am desperate for her. I am like a starving person, picking up little crumbs of her wherever I can. I reread texts, facebook messages. I look at her facebook profile and her pictures.
So, it's been three months. And as my sister said, it seems like an eternity ago and yesterday all at the same time.
But today is three months. And Drew plays this game where he pretends to be different family members, "I mommy" "I daddy". Today it was "I Gammy". So the day started and she was heavy on my mind. But I was still ok.
And then a friend/coworker came in to eat with her family. Her sweet baby boy and her mother were there. And I looked over, saw that woman snuggling her sweet baby grandson and I lost it. Lost it because I will never see my mom snuggle her sweet baby grandsons again. It just hit me suddenly. I spent the next hour or so crying in the bathroom or trying not to cry in the dining room.
Several friends have told me to cry when I need to. I try so hard to stop it, because it feels like I have to or it will become this uncontrollable thing that never ends. One friend told me that her father was 80 years old and still cried tears for his mother, who died when he was very young. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse, but I guess it means I'm somewhat normal.
I can't describe what this loss feels like. Before this happened, I certainly didn't understand it. Those who have been through something like this get it. They know that feeling in the pit of the stomach, the way it felt when I looked at that grandmother and grandson and it just took my breath away. Like someone just punched me, as hard as they could, right in the gut. They understand an emotional pain causing a physical response. They understand that you can feel your heart actually break.
They also understand when I say I miss her so badly that I would even go back to the two months after her diagnosis just to get to see her and talk to her again. Which is incredibly selfish because those were the worst two months of her life. But I am desperate for her. I am like a starving person, picking up little crumbs of her wherever I can. I reread texts, facebook messages. I look at her facebook profile and her pictures.
So, it's been three months. And as my sister said, it seems like an eternity ago and yesterday all at the same time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)