Today it happened...

I finally had a happy memory of mom pop up in my head.  For the past few months, the only things in my mind have been her last few months.  I would try and try to dig into my memory to find a happy memory and I came up blank.  Like my previous 31 years and 8 months with her didn't exist.  As if the my entire relationship with my mother was from the moment she said, "I have cancer" to the moment she died.

But today, I was driving towards downtown.  And it always makes me sad to drive there, because she worked there, and sometimes I would see her walking around the square when I would drive past.  She worked at Martinson and Beason as a runner. It was a job she loved and hated all at the same time.  She worked there for a long time, and many of the people she worked with were like family to her.

Today, I suddenly remembered the day she got the job.  It was a very long time ago.  She had been trying to find the right job for a long time.  She had tried working 3rd shift for awhile, so that she could keep Chris for us while I worked.  She had tried other jobs too, but nothing was a good fit.  She was excited about this interview, and nervous.  I knew she had no reason to be nervous, because a "runner" position at a law firm would be very easy for her.  She was smarter than that job, and I thought deserved more than that job, but it was what she wanted.

The day she got the job, I was working at Rolo's.  She came in to see me and was just so excited.  I can see her face and how proud she was.

So very blessed to have this memory today.  And hopeful that more happy thoughts will slip through, and that when I close my eyes to go to sleep tonight, I will see her proud, smiling face instead of her last gasps for breath.

girlfriends

I once was the girl who always had guy best friend.  I had friends that were girls, but my best friends were always dudes.  I thought I preferred it that way.   I thought guys were easier.  I thought they were more trustworthy, more dependable and less likely to betray.

Many, many years ago, I met a group of girls at the restaurant we all worked at.   I quickly found out what I had been missing.

For 13 years, we have been through everything.  Love, death, tragedy, breakups, school, new jobs, babies.  Everything that could happen, has happened to one of us.  And no matter what, we are always there.

During one particularly rough patch in my life, I hadn't spoken to one friend in months.  But when I showed up in tears, she had a shoulder for me, no questions asked.  Another friend appeared on my doorstep shortly after, putting her life on hold to be there.

When my mother died, I never felt so much support.   From these original ladies and a few others.   I don't think I would have survived without them.

I think all women need friends like these.  A husband and family just aren't enough.   You need that escape, that time to be with women who truly understand you like no one else.  Who have seen you disgustingly drunk, with vomit in your hair, and do nothing but help you get your shit together.  Who will rent a u haul and be there to move you across state when needed.  Who will give you advice, but still love you when you don't follow it.

I am truly blessed to have these beautiful, strong,  wonderfully supportive women in my life.  They lift me up when I am falling
They bring wine when life is hard or when we need to celebrate.  They bring food when crisis hits my family.   They cry with me, laugh with me, and sometimes get fall down drunk with me.  They plant gardens and go with me to spread my mother's ashes.  They are always behind me, beside me, and in my heart.

I'm not even sure they know how much they mean to me, all the time, but especially in the past months.  In my world, these bitches are my sisters and I couldn't do it without them.

Parmesan Pasta

It's a flavor of that boxed pasta roni stuff.  It's total crap for you- filled with fat and calories and a lot of stuff that isn't real food. (Don't read anything about the things that are in processed food...trust me, ignorance is bliss).  Quite frankly, it's delicious, and we eat it occasionally at my house.  It's convenient and quick and I like that.  We are about to have it for lunch with some baked chicken.

I never even knew it existed until I started dating Jimmy (I use the term "dating" loosely.  If you know our story, you know what I mean).  I remember one night, one very late night I'm sure, we were at his dad's house, hungry and he said he'd cook us some parmesan pasta.  I even remember him telling me how to wiggle the fork to stir the noodles so that they wouldn't stick together.  I sat on the counter while he stirred these noodles, having no clue that in 11 years from then, I would be cooking it for his children.

Since that night, he has cooked me countless meals.  Meals that were amazing and romantic like a surprise steak dinner, or meals that I loved because it meant I didn't have to cook and he was helping lessen my load.  Meals that didn't work out so well at times, like burgers that weren't cooked enough.  Eleven years of us each cooking meals for each other.  Eleven years of fights, and stress, and crisis after crisis, right alongside love, and joy and friendship.

I teared up a little while I was making the pasta today, thinking of  memory that had long been forgotten.  I will enjoy many more meals with my husband, but that one, innocent meal will stick with me forever.

I didn't cry

Last week was the first time I made it through the entire week without crying over you.  It has been a little more than two months since you passed and I have cried every other day.  But last week, I made it through.

 I had a few close calls.  Like when I was talking to the kids about cooking dinner and inviting everyone over, and Chris said, "Like Papa, and Laura, and Gammy?".  But he immediately got upset and worried that he had upset me, so I held back the tears.

And I thought of you during city meet, and how proud you would have been of the boys.  But I didn't cry at the swim meet.

I had a dream about you, not anything extraordinary, just about an regular day, when you were still here.  But I woke up, and took a few deeps breaths and went about my day.

I can't say it is getting any easier, because when I think about you and remember, it literally takes my breath away for a minute and my chest hurts.  It is an actual physical pain that I feel when I miss you.  It feels like my heart is breaking.  So, it isn't getting easier, I'm just getting better at holding the tears back.

This week Laura and I will be spreading your ashes.  I can't say that I will have a tear free week.  I imagine it will be difficult, the last goodbye.  But I know that you aren't a box of ashes.  I know that you aren't that body I said goodbye to in the casket.  I know you aren't even that woman, lying in bed for weeks, in pain and suffering and miserable.  I know who you are.  I know where you are.  I just wish it was still here with me.

Starting over....again.

Hmmmm... sounds familiar.

Towards the end of last year, I got my butt in gear and lost 30 lbs.  I still had some to lose, but I was feeling good.  I was working out, eating right- life was good.  I was going to the gym regularly.  Lifting weights- which was a first for me.

And then... mom gets cancer.  Insert emotional eating here.  Sad that mom has cancer?- hash browns covered in cheese will help.  Worried about the results of the next test she's having?  That calls for peach cobbler.  I have the unique temptation of working in a southern cooking restaurant.  Fried catfish.  Cheeseburgers.  Fries.  Omelets. Desserts.  MACARONI AND CHEESE!

Sigh.  And then I was out of work for 2.5 weeks, but that didn't make things any better.  Then my diet consisted of Sonic.  And Hardee's.  And Mexican food, BBQ, various things that people would bring by.  Rum cake. Ice cream.  (are you hungry yet?)

Anyway.  I gained a lot of weight back.  So... I am participating in Skinny Meg's 12 week challenge.  It's basically just a fantastic group of chicks supporting each other, with challenges to motivate us along the way. She is a saint to put up with all of us and our questions and one of my favorite bloggers.

So- wish me luck!  I'm trying to eat more meals like this:

Chicken sausage and peppers

And less of the things that make me feel better temporary.   I have to stop eating my feelings.  And my stress.

This is me...

So far so good.  I'm waiting for p90x3 to come in, because the regular p90x is just too long and I don't always have for it.  I'm determined to get this weight back off and more.  I figure if I tell the 10 people who read this, then I'll be more likely to do it. Maybe???

I took some before pictures...but I'm not sure the world is ready for that.