I always go to work. I go to work sick. I don't stay home with sick kids unless they are REALLY sick. I've never taken a day off, "just because". It's my thing. My job is my responsibility. I am a slight control freak, and I like to know that things are being handled and everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing. And I worry when I'm not there. I think it's a sickness.
My sister called called me at work yesterday. Upset. Crying. Mom was having a lot of trouble breathing. She was scared. Could I please leave work?
I ran. Ran to my car. Sped to my mom's. Fear in my heart the entire time. Afraid I wouldn't make it. In that instance, I knew I would never forgive myself if I was working when she died. If I wasn't there, taking care of her. That is where I need to be now. Helping her. Loving her.
So I've taken a leave of absence. I am very blessed to have a boss who has basically said, "whatever you need". I am so blessed to have a husband who has said, "I'll handle everything at home". So blessed to have friends and family like I have. People bringing food for my family, handing me money for my mom, listening to my fears and not running from my tears. People who are reading this right now, and caring about what I am going through. So I thank every one of you and love you all.
Mom got some rest last night. She's been having difficulty swallowing pills so they've given her a pain patch. Between that and the pain meds I'm crushing up and putting in ice cream, she seems a little more comfortable. Watching her breathe is hard. Her breathes seem very shallow and she takes one breath to three of mine. I pray for her comfort now. I used to pray desperately for her healing. For a miracle. Now I just want her to stop hurting. If leaving this world is the only way for that to happen, then so be it.
Thank you all for everything.
Wife, boy-mom, restaurant manager. Life is insane, and I kinda like it :-)
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
just waiting...
Is it better for a loved one to die suddenly in a random accident, or to know they are dying and be able to mentally prepare yourself? Can you really prepare your self?
Watching my mom this past few weeks has been painful. Seeing my once strong, capable mom turn into this confused, helpless person hurts so much. She is in pain. She is bedridden. She is starting to get confused about simple tasks. She's starting to snap and fight against me when I'm trying to help her. My heart is breaking. Just waiting. Waiting for her to die. Watching her lose her dignity, a little more every day.
My mom married young. She was only 16. She had me exactly one year, one month and one day later. Life was never super easy for my mom. Before she knew it, she was divorced with two small children to raise on her own. We quickly became a team. Me, mom, maw maw and Laura. 4 women against the world. My maw maw babysat while my mom worked several jobs. My dad was pretty non-existent. She would buy extra gifts for us at Christmas and put his name on them, just to spare our feelings. When she didn't have the money to spare.
As a grown woman and mother of three, I still find myself calling her almost daily when I need advice. When I didn't know how to do something. Should I take the kids to the dr? What do you think is wrong with my car? Anything and everything, I took to her.
I feel so many things. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. I want to be with her all the time. And I don't want to be with her because it hurts so badly to see her like this. I have a constant upset stomach. Just waiting. waiting.
The nurse from hospice saw her today. I wasn't there because of school's getting out early. The past couple of days have been rough. She has done some crazy things. Said somethings that make no sense. The nurse said it reminds her of people with brain cancer or tumors. Not that she can diagnose mom from talking to her. Not that she would try. But that's what it is similar to. So maybe the cancer has spread more. Maybe it hasn't, we won't know because there is no point in running that test. I'm trying to convince her to move in with me. Space will be tight but it will be so much easier for me to take care of her. She doesn't want to, doesn't think she needs to have around the clock care. God help us get through this.
Watching my mom this past few weeks has been painful. Seeing my once strong, capable mom turn into this confused, helpless person hurts so much. She is in pain. She is bedridden. She is starting to get confused about simple tasks. She's starting to snap and fight against me when I'm trying to help her. My heart is breaking. Just waiting. Waiting for her to die. Watching her lose her dignity, a little more every day.
My mom married young. She was only 16. She had me exactly one year, one month and one day later. Life was never super easy for my mom. Before she knew it, she was divorced with two small children to raise on her own. We quickly became a team. Me, mom, maw maw and Laura. 4 women against the world. My maw maw babysat while my mom worked several jobs. My dad was pretty non-existent. She would buy extra gifts for us at Christmas and put his name on them, just to spare our feelings. When she didn't have the money to spare.
As a grown woman and mother of three, I still find myself calling her almost daily when I need advice. When I didn't know how to do something. Should I take the kids to the dr? What do you think is wrong with my car? Anything and everything, I took to her.
I feel so many things. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. I want to be with her all the time. And I don't want to be with her because it hurts so badly to see her like this. I have a constant upset stomach. Just waiting. waiting.
The nurse from hospice saw her today. I wasn't there because of school's getting out early. The past couple of days have been rough. She has done some crazy things. Said somethings that make no sense. The nurse said it reminds her of people with brain cancer or tumors. Not that she can diagnose mom from talking to her. Not that she would try. But that's what it is similar to. So maybe the cancer has spread more. Maybe it hasn't, we won't know because there is no point in running that test. I'm trying to convince her to move in with me. Space will be tight but it will be so much easier for me to take care of her. She doesn't want to, doesn't think she needs to have around the clock care. God help us get through this.
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