Anger

I have been up most of the night with my mom.  Her kidneys seem to be failing.  Her lower back is hurting and she is unable to use the bathroom.

One more thing for her to go through.  One more thing to cause her pain.

I'm on a roller coaster of emotions, and today's emotion is anger.  I don't understand why she has to hurt so much.  Why this has to be so torturous.  Dying is one thing... does it have to be so awful?  I'm angry and tired and worried and nervous.  But mostly today I am angry.  Angry that I have been praying for her for months and nothing I have prayed for, nothing anyone has prayed for has happened.  Is anyone listening??  What's the point of praying until I fall asleep every night?  What is the point of having everyone pray for her?


I get it.  I'm not privy to God's reasons, his decisions are not for me to understand.  I know, in my heart that God is good and he loves my mother.  But I have days like this where I doubt him.  Where I am so angry at him.  And I pray about it.  Even though I feel like he isn't listening, I still pray.  It's the only thing I can do.