Those two months were, without a doubt, the two hardest months of my life. The worry. The tears. The stress. Tests to find out what type of cancer, then more tests because they weren't sure. The diagnosis of a rare stage IV cancer. The hope that chemo would help. The hospital visit for an "infection". The fear when there was no infection, it was simply the cancer growing. The dr telling us it was "the most aggressive breast cancer he'd seen in his thirty years of medicine". Her going home and her slow decline to needing around the clock care. Trying to get her to take medicines she didn't want to take. Trying to explain things to her that she didn't understand. Helping her do the most basic things in life- go to the bathroom, eat, drink, clean herself. Making meals I knew she wouldn't eat, tea she wouldn't drink. Very little sleep. Too much drive thru food and caffeine.
There were moments of joy though. When I made her laugh telling her a funny work story. Towards the end, when she was more and more confused, and she had a moment when she looked at me and thanked me. Thanked me for putting my life on hold for her. A beautiful smile the day before she died, when she woke up briefly and said she wasn't in pain anymore. Her taking a break from all her pain to yell at me for missing so much work, afraid I'd need the money. Loved knowing that my mom was in there somewhere.
I learned a lot as well. I learned that I am capable of more than I thought. That I have an amazing support system. Friends, acquaintances, family and coworkers. All helping, praying, showing their love. People have stepped out of the woodwork to help us. That my husband is a rock star and my boss is amazing. My sister is wonderful. Those I knew already, but this only reinforced it. She has been my support, my rock and I couldn't have made it through this without her.
The night before my mom passed, the nurse had told us it would be soon. She was finally sleeping after days of restlessness and anxiety. That night I went to sleep and slept the best sleep I had slept in weeks. I normally wake to check on her, or she wakes me up, or I just can't sleep. Not that night. I slept straight through until about 5:15 in the morning. I went in to check on my mom and noticed her breathing had changed. I sat with her for a minute but then I needed to run to the restroom. I came back and she was gone. I have no regrets that I wasn't there. I am sure she would have wanted me to miss it.
I have often wondered why my mother would be taken from me at such a young age, she was only 49. I have been angry about it. I have yelled and cried and cursed about it. And then I thought about how everyone is here for a purpose and that when they have finished God calls them home. And how thankful I am that my mom had me so young (17) so that I had 32 years with her. Her job is done on this earth. And I may not understand it, but it isn't for me to understand. I am so thankful for her, for everything. I am even thankful for the past two months because of what I have learned and the blessings I have realized I've always had.
I love you mom, I will think of you and miss you everyday. Enjoy heaven, I'll see you there soon.
Isaiah 55: 8-9
8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
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