Nearing the end...

I don't know what to think or feel right now.  My mom is quite possibly in the last days of her life.  She hasn't been eating.  She rarely drinks.  She is very confused.  She is picking at her skin and bed linens.  The tip of her nose turned purple for awhile yesterday, and her heartbeat was irregular.  All of this things are on the list of things that happen in the "Gone from my sight" pamphlet that hospice provided us with.

So my sister and I are here together instead of taking turns.  And it's hard.  Mom is confused, but she knows that she is confused.  She knows that what she says doesn't make any sense.  And she is frustrated about it.  And constantly apologizing for it.  I reminded her of all the silly things other family members have done near the end.  She smiled a little at the thought of Uncle Gordon sitting in his recliner and "fishing".  Maybe it made her feel better for a second.  I don't know.

I am afraid of so much right now.  Afraid of the moment when it happens.  Afraid of after it happens and everything I will be responsible for.  So many things running through my head.  Where will her funeral be?  Who will speak at her funeral? How will I handle all of this?  I'm 32 years old but the thought of life without my mother makes me feel like a child.