This week I am getting up with my kids every morning, getting them ready for school, dropping everyone off where they are supposed to go and going to work. I do my job, I laugh, smile, have fun with my employees, chat with customers. I come home and do the dishes, laundry, clean up, feed my family, pick kids up from various places, and I'm here when they go to bed. I sleep in my own bed at night, and start it all over again in the morning.
Life, is back to normal.
Except, there's this emptiness that wasn't there before. I feel like I'm not doing something that I need to be doing. I don't have to get to my mom's house. I don't have to pick up her medicine, or bring her breakfast, or make her coffee. She doesn't need me to help her go to the bathroom or to call the nurse or to just sit with her. She's gone, and that crazy whirlwind couple of months is over.
And so I just go through the motions, pretending like everything is like it was. Only it hits me at random times. My mom is dead. She is gone, and I will never talk to her again. I will never have her to call for advice. I will never have her to go to dinner with or to call and brag about my boys to. I will never have a relationship with anyone like that again.
It hits me at strange times. At Cici's pizza with the boys, because she liked to eat there and would always meet us. And she'd always pay and then mention what a good deal it was and how we couldn't eat that cheaply anywhere else. When I pick up my phone automatically to text her about Drew (finally) doing so well at potty training before I remember. When I turn on the tv and one of the shows she watched is on. When I go out to dinner with everyone to celebrate my sister's birthday, and she's not there.
She's the first thing on my mind every morning, and the last thought before I fall asleep at night. I don't know how to get up every morning knowing that she is gone. But I do. And I will. And I'll just go through each day, like it's a normal day. Until one day it is.
Wife, boy-mom, restaurant manager. Life is insane, and I kinda like it :-)
At this early stage for you to understand that one day it will be easier and more "normal" and one day (could be 3 months from now) you'll realize at noon that you hadn't had sad thoughts about her all day...is a miracle and goes to show your strength and maturity. It will always hit you at random places and times but the frequency will decrease... I promise.
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