I didn't cry

Last week was the first time I made it through the entire week without crying over you.  It has been a little more than two months since you passed and I have cried every other day.  But last week, I made it through.

 I had a few close calls.  Like when I was talking to the kids about cooking dinner and inviting everyone over, and Chris said, "Like Papa, and Laura, and Gammy?".  But he immediately got upset and worried that he had upset me, so I held back the tears.

And I thought of you during city meet, and how proud you would have been of the boys.  But I didn't cry at the swim meet.

I had a dream about you, not anything extraordinary, just about an regular day, when you were still here.  But I woke up, and took a few deeps breaths and went about my day.

I can't say it is getting any easier, because when I think about you and remember, it literally takes my breath away for a minute and my chest hurts.  It is an actual physical pain that I feel when I miss you.  It feels like my heart is breaking.  So, it isn't getting easier, I'm just getting better at holding the tears back.

This week Laura and I will be spreading your ashes.  I can't say that I will have a tear free week.  I imagine it will be difficult, the last goodbye.  But I know that you aren't a box of ashes.  I know that you aren't that body I said goodbye to in the casket.  I know you aren't even that woman, lying in bed for weeks, in pain and suffering and miserable.  I know who you are.  I know where you are.  I just wish it was still here with me.