Three months

My mom has been gone for three months.  Three months without her and I find myself crying less.  I think about her everyday, but I don't cry everyday anymore.

But today is three months.  And Drew plays this game where he pretends to be different family members, "I mommy"  "I daddy".  Today it was "I Gammy".  So the day started and she was heavy on my mind.  But I was still ok.

And then a friend/coworker came in to eat with her family.  Her sweet baby boy and her mother were there.  And I looked over, saw that woman snuggling her sweet baby grandson and I lost it.  Lost it because I will never see my mom snuggle her sweet baby grandsons again.  It just hit me suddenly.  I spent the next hour or so crying in the bathroom or trying not to cry in the dining room.

Several friends have told me to cry when I need to.  I try so hard to stop it, because it feels like I have to or it will become this uncontrollable thing that never ends.  One friend told me that her father was 80 years old and still cried tears for his mother, who died when he was very young.  I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse, but I guess it means I'm somewhat normal.

I can't describe what this loss feels like.  Before this happened, I certainly didn't understand it.  Those who have been through something like this get it.  They know that feeling in the pit of the stomach, the way it felt when I looked at that grandmother and grandson and it just took my breath away.  Like someone just punched me, as hard as they could, right in the gut.  They understand an emotional pain causing a physical response.  They understand that you can feel your heart actually break.

They also understand when I say I miss her so badly that I would even go back to the two months after her diagnosis just to get to see her and talk to her again.  Which is incredibly selfish because those were the worst two months of her life.  But I am desperate for her.  I am like a starving person, picking up little crumbs of her wherever I can.  I reread texts, facebook messages.  I look at her facebook profile and her pictures.

So, it's been three months.  And as my sister said, it seems like an eternity ago and yesterday all at the same time.