Is it better for a loved one to die suddenly in a random accident, or to know they are dying and be able to mentally prepare yourself? Can you really prepare your self?
Watching my mom this past few weeks has been painful. Seeing my once strong, capable mom turn into this confused, helpless person hurts so much. She is in pain. She is bedridden. She is starting to get confused about simple tasks. She's starting to snap and fight against me when I'm trying to help her. My heart is breaking. Just waiting. Waiting for her to die. Watching her lose her dignity, a little more every day.
My mom married young. She was only 16. She had me exactly one year, one month and one day later. Life was never super easy for my mom. Before she knew it, she was divorced with two small children to raise on her own. We quickly became a team. Me, mom, maw maw and Laura. 4 women against the world. My maw maw babysat while my mom worked several jobs. My dad was pretty non-existent. She would buy extra gifts for us at Christmas and put his name on them, just to spare our feelings. When she didn't have the money to spare.
As a grown woman and mother of three, I still find myself calling her almost daily when I need advice. When I didn't know how to do something. Should I take the kids to the dr? What do you think is wrong with my car? Anything and everything, I took to her.
I feel so many things. Sadness. Hopelessness. Anger. I want to be with her all the time. And I don't want to be with her because it hurts so badly to see her like this. I have a constant upset stomach. Just waiting. waiting.
The nurse from hospice saw her today. I wasn't there because of school's getting out early. The past couple of days have been rough. She has done some crazy things. Said somethings that make no sense. The nurse said it reminds her of people with brain cancer or tumors. Not that she can diagnose mom from talking to her. Not that she would try. But that's what it is similar to. So maybe the cancer has spread more. Maybe it hasn't, we won't know because there is no point in running that test. I'm trying to convince her to move in with me. Space will be tight but it will be so much easier for me to take care of her. She doesn't want to, doesn't think she needs to have around the clock care. God help us get through this.
Wife, boy-mom, restaurant manager. Life is insane, and I kinda like it :-)
I can feel all the emotions you write of. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know which is better. I've often asked myself that same question. It doesn't really matter. This is your story. It will always hurt but with time begin to get slightly less frequent and painful. But you may never understand it... the old saying "life isn't fair..." Sucks. Thinking bout you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stafford.
DeleteI knew it was spreading fast, however I didn't think it was that quick. I can't begin to think I know exactly how you feel, yet I share some of your pain and anger. She has always been there when Damen, Mom, and I have needed her. I don't think we can ever be prepared to let go. I am sorry that all three of your are having to suffer through this. I'm sending all our love and prayers your way. Remember it may not be by blood, but you are still my sister by choice. I will be there for you in anyway I can
ReplyDeleteThanks Terri. Love ya and miss you.
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