1 year

Dear Mom,

As of tomorrow at 5:00 am, I will have lived a year without you.  365 days without my mother.  365 days without hearing your voice.  Without your guidance.  Without you.

It seems like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time.  I struggle to hear your voice.  If I concentrate really hard, I can hear the way you said, "Darlene" on your voicemail.  But that's it.  I can't hear anything else.

I haven't cried in awhile, until today.  I don't know why today makes it harder, it is really just another day.  But I keep thinking back.  Thinking of the constant vigil at your house.  Thinking of watching you.  Worrying.  Waiting.

I wish I had realized how bad it was when you told me you had cancer.  I wish I would have scooped you up and taken you away for a fabulous vacation.  Did you ever even have a great vacation?  Ever in your life?  I don't know.  Money was always so tight. There was so much I wanted to do for you when I was able.  So many places I wanted to take you.  Things I wanted to buy you.  All the things you didn't get to do or buy because you were busy providing for us.

I remember one year for my birthday, you redecorated my bedroom.  I came home from school and I had a new comforter, shelves, pictures, everything.  I don't know how you always had the money to give us the things you did.  But I will never forget all you did for us.

I miss you, so very much.  Yes, it has gotten easier.  I don't cry everyday anymore.  I don't often have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the pain that takes my breath away.  But as time goes by, I miss you more than ever.  I wasn't ready to be a grown up without you.

Mother's Day is this weekend, and it will be the second time I haven't had a mother to shop for.  How I wish I had the problem of figuring out what to buy for you.  Or where we would go for dinner.  All I can do is say thank you.  Thank you for everything you did for us while you were here.  Thank you for it all.