It's been awhile

I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm sure you are dying of curiosity about my life and what is going on.

Thankfully, there isn't much to tell.  This year has been total shit.  Let's be honest.  I can say it has been the worst year of my life.  The theme of the year?  CANCER.  My mother.  My father-in-law (and the resulting surgery that removed the cancer but almost killed him).  A couple of my friends' parents as well.  And finally... my dog.

Seriously?  Even my freaking dog?  And not the stupid dog that I can't stand, that eats food out of drew's hands and barks when the wind blows.  But my favorite dog.  My sweet, sweet Reese, who laid-back, calm and everyone's favorite.  He has a giant tumor on his foot.  A tumor that probably could have been removed if I had taken care of it when it first appeared, but I was in the middle of my mother's cancer and just didn't have time for him.  The result?  Next Tuesday, my baby will have his leg AMPUTATED!  I feel a huge amount of guilt for not handling this sooner.  I just honestly forgot about it when I found out about my mom, and then she deteriorated so quickly and demanded all my attention.

Seriously?  Look at this face!

I survived my first birthday without my mom.  It's hard to think of all the "firsts" without her that are coming up.  Halloween.  Thanksgiving.  Christmas.  That one will be the hardest.  The boys' birthdays.  I miss her so much.  I think about her so often.  I don't cry everyday anymore.  But it still hits me out of the blue sometimes.  And sometimes I have the selfish thought that I wish I could go back to the months when she was dying, because at least she was here with me.  What a horrible thing to even think, but at times I am desperate for her.  I am worrying that I will forget her voice.  I can still hear the way she said her name on her voicemail.  I close my eyes sometimes and just hold on to that, hoping I will always be able to recall it.

My grandmother died 8 years ago this August.  She hadn't felt good or been herself in a long time. Her death, like my mother's, was an end to her suffering.  I loved her so much, but I was so happy for her to not be in pain anymore.  I didn't understand why my mom couldn't see that, why she regretting the decision that she had to make to not leave her on life support.  And now I know.  I know that she was just desperately missing her mother and wishing she could have her back.

My mom's coworker's put together a team to walk/run the Liz Hurley Ribbon Run in my mother's honor.  I am very touched but nervous about doing it.  I feel robbed and not sure if I am ready to be surrounded by all of the breast cancer pink everywhere.  Chris and Luke are doing it with me, so we will be walking, and hopefully not sobbing the entire time.